The following post first appeared in the 25th Anniversary special edition of Newcastle United fanzine 'The Mag'. I started out writing for The Mag and was honoured to be invited back for a guest writer slot and an interview below:
'Abandon
All Hope Ye who Enter Here'
By
Howard Linskey
It’s been twenty years since my last article for The Mag,
which is, admittedly, a bit of a gap and it got me thinking about how things
have changed since the days when I wrote my first piece for the fanzine. Back
then, in the Gordon McKeag era, I used to rant that we were being run by idiots
who cared very little for the fans, failed to maximise our commercial potential,
sold our best players to clubs with more ambition but often fewer fans and
chronically under invested in our own side. Sound familiar?
I’ve written a hell of a lot of words since those days; for
newspapers, magazines and web sites and, more recently, books but it was ‘The
Mag’ that got me started and the first time I saw my name on anything I’d
written was in these hallowed pages. We were in the old second division back
then, having failed to capitalise on Kevin Keegan’s playing days.
Things are so bad these days that I almost feel nostalgic
for a time when our chairman was merely out of his depth and not seemingly
intent on crushing all of our hopes for the hell of it. In six years under Mike
Ashley we have been relegated once and almost went down a second time last
season. For a club our size that is some achievement. Even a Mackem double agent
would struggle to match Ashley’s record for sheer ineptitude.
Neutrals occasionally express surprise when I say that I despise
Mike Ashley. I admit it is a bit strange for a middle aged man to feel quite this
strongly about somebody he has never actually met but I can honestly state that
my hatred for him is real. It grows with each year and every fresh humiliation
he bestows upon us. The latest of course is the appointment of a complete clown
with amnesia/dementia/tourettes/all three (delete where applicable) as Director
of Football. Not the first time I have found myself thinking, ‘does Ashley
really believe this will help or does he just do it because he enjoys winding
us up?’
Even the idiotic Llambias (“Lambeezey”) couldn’t bring
himself to work with Kinocchio, a man who cannot even pronounce player’s names
correctly and routinely lies or forgets facts from his own CV; small things
admittedly, like being relegated, fired or how long he actually spent managing
the Toon.
It is probably no surprise to any of us these days that our
long term transfer targets are being snapped up by more ambitious clubs, like
Norwich City, or that we are reportedly reluctant to enter into ‘bidding wars’
with Everton or the mighty Swansea, even though the former are basically broke
and the latter have been in the premier league for just one season. Because we
will never pay the going rate for players, we will only ever get them if they
are out of contract or nearly out of contract.
When I look back on all of the ludicrous, misplaced, foolish,
ill-judged and vulgar decisions the fat man has made in his time, I can only
assume it is all part of some evil plan. Was he beaten up by a Geordie when he
was a teenager and vowed vengeance upon the entire city of Newcastle? Surely
that can be the only explanation for Joe Kinnear. I imagine him sitting in his
hollowed-out volcano, stroking a white cat and going, ‘Right, I have already
offended the two finest players ever to pull on a Newcastle shirt, sold Shay
Given, Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll, renamed the stadium after my tacky cash
and carry, stuck a legal loan shark on the shirt, ensuring thousands of fans
who would normally purchase a top as a matter of routine will refuse to buy a
new one, so….what can I do next that will really piss them off. Got it! Get me
Joe’s number!’
Which brings me to the Ashley apologists, a dwindling band
it has to be said, who still cling to the view that without the fat man we’d be
bankrupt and the club would no longer exist. They nearly always mention the
£100m of interest free loans he has graciously lent the club. The club that he
owns. So, let’s consider that shall we? The man is apparently worth £2.3
billion, he bought Newcastle United outright, so he could have a bit of fun
with it, didn’t do due diligence, was surprised to learn there was £100m of
debts and now lends himself the money
(he is sole owner after all, there are no other shareholders), without charging
himself any interest (very good of
him that) and we are supposed to be grateful. In the meantime he will make ‘no
capital outlay’ on the club, so where does all of the TV money, the shirt money
and the ticket money go? Into the black hole of the accounts that’s where. Meanwhile
he is stuck with us, so he uses the club in the only way he knows how, by
turning St James Park and Newcastle united into one huge advertising hoarding
for Sports Direct, which makes us nothing more in his eyes than a giant
billboard.
So is this any different from the McKeag era I used to write
about? I’m afraid it is, in one very big respect. Back then we longed for a
multi-millionaire to wrestle control of the club and invest in it properly.
Nowadays it would require a billionaire and there aren’t many of those around,
particularly British ones. The irony is we have already got one and he is as
tight as a gnat’s chuff.
What strikes me the most about supporting Newcastle United
today is the complete absence of any hope, which is a sentence that is as
depressing for me to write as it is for you to read. Aside from those few
Ashley apologists, who would find a reason to forgive the fat man no matter
what he did, I think the vast majority of Newcastle fans think we are going
absolutely nowhere with him as the owner, except down.
I am so sorry that after twenty years absence from the Mag
my guest spot is such profoundly depressing reading but I suspect that most of
you will agree with at least some of the points I’ve made. Like me, you probably
see very little hope that the club will ever move forward or realise its
undoubted potential until Ashley sells up, with the list of potential suitors,
at a quoted price of £267m, pretty small in this day and age.
What a shame that neither Mike Ashley nor the departed
Lambeezy ever had the imagination to work out how amazing this club could be if
it was run even half properly. If the manager was given resources commensurate
with Newcastle’s position as one of the best supported teams in the Premiership
for example; I’m not asking for anything outlandish here, just the ability to
perhaps bid £10m or £12m for a striker every few years. Ashley wasn’t around
when the place was absolutely buzzing and we stuffed Man Utd and beat Barca and
money is clearly the only thing that excites him. Trouble is most Newcastle
fans aren’t energised by a healthy balance sheet. We’re a bit old fashioned
like that.
Maybe in twenty-five years, if I’m still around, I’ll be
able to write a more optimistic anniversary posting about how things improved
with the departure of the fat man when he sold up to someone with a more
positive view of our football club; such as a creepy Russian Oligarch, a
despotic Arab oil magnet or Kim Jong Un
perhaps. In the meantime, like you, I’ll keep watching and caring, reading the
posts in the local papers and wincing every time Kinnear makes us a laughing
stock. I’ll keep counting the hours and crossing off the days, months and years
until, like the Berlin Wall, Mike Ashley’s awful bloody regime finally crumbles
and comes crashing to the ground. Then we might have something to smile about
again. Till that moment, we can always console ourselves by remembering the
good times. Now where did I put the DVD of that 5-0 stuffing of ManUre?
............................................................................................................................
Howard
Linskey is now a bestselling author, one time writer for The Mag and of course
a Newcastle United fan. We caught up with Howard to ask him about Siberian
gangsters, lap dancing clubs & brothels and Newcastle United.
If
people haven’t read them, how would you describe your books?
‘The
Drop’, ‘The Damage’ and ‘The Dead’ are crime thrillers set in Newcastle. They
all feature David Blake, a reluctant white-collar gangster who always ends up
in a lot of trouble. He mixes with drug dealers, enforcers, corrupt politicians,
bent coppers and one dodgy footballer. The Drop was voted one of the top five
thrillers of the year by The Times and the books have been optioned for TV by,
David Barron, the producer of the Harry Potter films, so hopefully you will see
David Blake in Newcastle on the telly one day.
Was
using the city of Newcastle a no-brainer when it came to choosing a setting for
your books?
As
soon as I got the idea for the story of ‘The Drop’ I wanted to set it in
Newcastle and nowhere else. I can’t think of a more atmospheric place and I’m
always surprised there aren’t more books, films or TV series set in the city.
Has
Newcastle United inspired any of your storylines, or would that be just too
far-fetched....?
You couldn’t
actually make up the situation at Newcastle. Ashley’s time as owner is way
stranger than fiction. I do have a character who’s a premier league
footballer and he is so appalling I am often asked if he is modelled on Joey
Barton. The truth is he is a fictitious creation, partly influenced by the bad
behaviour of the aforementioned mister Barton, along with the ‘escapades’ of
the likes of Bowyer, Bellamy, Dyer and a dozen others I could name. Just when I
think I may have gone a bit over the top with him, I pick up a newspaper and
realise there are real footballers out there behaving far worse than he does.
They never let me down. In short, the
character I created is vermin but he is probably still a lot nicer than Nile
Ranger.
What
inspired you to write for The Mag in the early days?
I’m
not just saying this as it’s you asking but I thought it was very cool to be
involved in The Mag. Back then fanzines were just starting out. They were
pretty subversive and the only alternative we had to the match programme, which
wasn’t reflecting the real views of the fans. I bought a copy of ‘The Mag’ and
thought it was amazing because I’d never seen anything like it before. I sent
in a letter to begin with, describing a trip to see the Leeds game where Micky
Quinn scored four on his debut. When it was printed I thought I’d chance my arm
with an article. When you printed that as well I was chuffed to bits, as I had
never had anything published before, so I can honestly say it was The Mag that
started me off. Those articles gradually gave me the confidence to go on and do
other things. I’ve mentioned The Mag in every bit of press I‘ve done with my
books because it really did set me on my way.
Why
did you stop?!!!
In the end, life got in the way. I
wrote an article in every issue for four years (and yes, I’ve still got them) but
then I became a journalist and found it too hard to write in the evenings when
I was already writing all day. I also lost my anger about our perennial lack of
achievement. By the time I stopped writing for The Mag, the club was
back in the Premier League, they were transforming the ground and the team were
going places, we were signing top players and were led by a manager who
believed anything was possible. What was left to moan about? We’d almost
reached the promised land. It makes our current pathetic plight all the more
depressing.
What
are the high and low points in these 25 years of following Newcastle United?
I
think my personal high spot was the 5-1 demolition of the Mackems – Bramble
being sent off towards the end made it feel as if I had written the script
myself - closely followed by the 5-0 dismantling of the evil empire of Man
united. Then there was Tino burying Barca and thumping Leicester 7-1 at the end
of the promotion season. The two FA Cup semi-finals vs Sheffield United and
Spurs were great too. Shame about the finals.
Low
points? Have you got all day? Obviously losing the championship to Man Utd, a
team I absolutely despise, along with their awful former manager, was just terrible
but Mike Ashley’s tenure just keeps on delivering new lows. His treatment of
Keegan, his treatment of Shearer, selling Shay Given, relegation, renaming our
hallowed ground, putting Wonga on our shirts and finally appointing Kinocchio
not once but twice, all of it beggars belief. He must hate us. It’s the only
explanation.
Living
in the south now, what reaction do you get off people when they find out you
are a Newcastle fan?
Pity.
Honestly they get a kind of rueful look about them and usually say something like
‘Oh dear, what’s going on at your place then?’ after the latest fiasco.
How
optimistic/pessimistic are you at this point (mid-July)?
I
think I am at rock bottom where optimism is concerned. It’s not that I think we
will be relegated again necessarily, although a couple of injuries will see us
right back down at the bottom of the league for sure, it’s more my awareness of
Mike Ashley’s complete indifference to strengthening the team that has got to
me. How many transfer windows have we sat through while he asset strips the
side only to just fail to bring a new player ‘over the line’. It happens time
and time again and it’s clearly deliberate. He will never spend sufficient
funds for us to have a half decent squad. It’s profoundly depressing. I expect
us to finish in the bottom half this time.
How
many signings do you think Newcastle will get ‘over the line’ and how many do
you think we need in reality?
It
could be none (we haven’t signed anybody at time of writing, even Mick Harford
turned us down) but I suspect it might be one or two and I don’t think they
will be particularly great signings either. As I write, we are linked with
Darren Bent but still won’t pay a fee of £6m for him and none of us are too
excited about him coming either. It wouldn’t surprise me if Cabaye is sold for
£20m towards the end of the window, leaving us no time to get a replacement,
which Ashley will be absolutely thrilled about. I suspect we might get Bent and
somebody we have never heard of or ‘one for the future’ for about £1m but that
will be it. I really hope I’m wrong but I doubt it.
What
do fans of other clubs say to you about how Mike Ashley is running Newcastle
United?
I
don’t think they fully appreciate how bad he is, because they don’t live with
it every day like we do, so I go off on a rant whenever they say ‘he signed a
few players in January with the Andy Carroll money’. I then forcefully educate
those Arsenal or Spurs fans that the Carroll money was spent on the club not
the team, paying for a few tiny transfer fees, agent’s fees, player’s salaries
for the next five years and a bore hole at the training ground, while the rest
covered the cost of toilet rolls, footballs, nets and the cleaner’s wages for the
next decade or two. I try to explain that no other club in the country claims
to have ‘invested’ transfer fees in the way we do.
Out
of the current squad who would you be happy to see line up (players who
realistically you don’t think we can bring in anybody better than) on the first
day of the season against Manchester City?
We
have a decent first eleven until the inevitable injuries hit. I rate Krul, Mbiwa,
Taylor, Collocini, Haidara, Sissoko, Cabaye (if he sorts his head out, as he
went seriously off the boil last year), Tiote (if he recovers his form), Ben
Arfa and Cisse if they don’t sell him because of the Wonga issue.
I
don’t think Guttierez has been anything like good enough for a while. His
crossing and shooting is ineffective. We should be doing better than Williamson
and I was very disappointed with Santon last year, as he kept costing us goals.
I’m not convinced he is even a defender and I’d be tempted to try him at left
midfield instead of Guttierez. At least he can pass, cross and shoot and would
be less of a liability in that position. I actually would have kept Simpson, Perch
and even Steve Harper for another year as they were all reasonable cover for
the first team and we won’t be replacing them with anything decent.
Wonga
or Wronga?
I
am disgusted and embarrassed that my beloved Newcastle United has the name of a
legal-loan-shark plastered on the shirt. I bought shirts when they had NTL,
Northern Rock and Virgin on them but I won’t buy one with Wonga on it and I
know I am not the only one. It’s symptomatic of Ashley’s lack of style and
class and his complete disregard for the wishes of the fans. Pay day lenders
should be outlawed not plastered on the shirts of long standing footballing
institutions like Newcastle United. It has brought shame on us and the city.
Are
you a Shola fan and is it time for him finally to vacate the premises?
I
don’t hate the guy. He has scored some vital goals, earning him the ‘Mackem
Slayer’ nickname but he has underachieved for many a year. His other nickname
of ‘Stroller Ameobi’ is more fitting and his continual presence in our squad underlines
our total lack of ambition. He should definitely be off, with our guarded good
wishes. He is a local lad who enjoyed some good moments and was bloody well
rewarded for them but his career has been one of what-might-have-been in my
view.
Does
living away from Newcastle make it easier or harder when times turn bad at the
club?
I’m
not sure. I’ve been an exile from the north east for years and I ended up
working all over the country but Geordies are like the Irish, they turn up
everywhere, so wherever I go I bump into them. I live in Hertfordshire these
days and often watch Newcastle on Sky TV in my local pub. There are always
fellow Toon fans at the bar there and their pain is just as real as yours I
imagine. With social media being what it is, I’m always aware of what is going
on. I have a Google-alert rigged up for Newcastle United, I read the Mag, the nufc.com
site and the nufc.blog, plus the Journal and Chronicle on line, so I feel like
it’s all on my doorstep. I don’t even bother to read my local newspaper so I am
far more in tune with Newcastle news than I am with what’s going on in Welwyn.
Is
writing a form of release from your everyday life and Newcastle United, or more
a way to unleash the demons and work yourself into a frenzy?
It’s nice to escape from
reality and my books always have Toon references in them, so I suppose that is
a form of release. I always smuggle in character names that mean nothing
to my publisher but get spotted by die-hard Newcastle fans of a certain age.
Not the Shearers and Keegans, which would be a bit obvious, but I have
characters called Wharton, Anderson, Cartwright and Jinky Smith. The top crime
boss in Newcastle in ‘The Drop’ also goes by the name of Mahoney. I get a lot
of Tweets and Facebook messages from Newcastle fans who read the books and
enjoyed the Toon references.
If
properly run, where would you see Newcastle United’s natural place in the
pecking order?
Top
six or at least top eight. Why not? We’ve done it before. I know there is this
stupid media misconception that Newcastle fans have unrealistic expectations
but I haven’t met anybody who actually thinks we are going to win anything and,
let’s be honest, we never do. However, with the massive fan base and the
revenue it generates when the team is doing well, there is no reason why we
can’t slowly make our team better every year.
Is
there any difference in your love for Newcastle United and the City of
Newcastle, or are they one and the same?
I
think over time they became inextricably linked. I started with a love for the
club, because my Uncle Neil went to games in the seventies and brought me back
the programmes and rosettes from the two Wembley finals. I was hooked on the
black and whites from that point really. The city was always a place I
gravitated too as well, because it had the big shops when I was a kid. Later it
was the atmosphere of the match that attracted me and, later still, the night
life that drew me back to the city. I can
honestly say that some of the best nights out in my life have happened in
Newcastle. You just can’t beat the atmosphere of either the city or the ground.
In
your ‘literary’ world, what have been the most extreme/amusing reactions when
people have discovered you are a football fan?
I
was at ‘Crimefest’ in Bristol in May. After my panel, I had a drink with a
crime critic, Mike Stafford, who likes my books and is a Sheffield Wednesday
fan. We were with a PR Manager who heard I was from Ferryhil and she said
‘That’s south of the Tyne, which means you are really a Mackem.’ I obviously
disputed this but she continued with it so, without thinking, I said ‘why don’t
you just accuse me of being a paedophile while you are at it?’. A few days later Mike wrote this in his piece
about Crimefest, which made me laugh……
“I was fortunate enough to be bought a pint by none
other than Howard Linskey, writer of the David Blake series. True to the crime
writing mould, he’s a warm and friendly bloke – although when Head of Zeus’s
Publicity Manager Becci Sharpe suggested that geographically he should be a
Mackem, he did express a certain horror. For a die-hard Newcastle man, it turns
out even the sex offenders’ register would be a less shameful place to find
yourself than the home end at the Stadium of Light.”
Growing
up in Ferryhill (Co.Durham) there must have been a fair few Sunderland fans
around, have they inspired any of the ‘baddies’ in your stories?
In
my school year we had Newcastle, Sunderland and Middlesbrough fans, so there
was lots of banter but basically people got on. It’s not quite the same as
attending derby matches and hurling abuse at each other from either end of the
ground. I did include a scene in The Drop, which had a bit of playful Mackem
bashing in it but my agent was a bit perplexed by it and I realised that
outside of the two cities nobody else would understand it, so I took it out.
When I launched the book, the sales manager from the distribution company
turned out to be a Sunderland fan and he arranged for me to sign books at
Waterstones in Sunderland after I’d done a signing in Emerson Chambers
Newcastle but there was a big fun run that day and the city was roped off, so I
called them up and said maybe I should stay here in Newcastle for the day as
we’d sell more and they agreed. The lasses in the Emerson Chambers shop were
chuckling away at that and I had a top day signing books there.
If
you were asked to write a screenplay on Newcastle United, what would you call
it and which actors would you have taking the leading parts?
I’d
base it on ‘Get Carter’ and call it ‘Get Ashley’ or maybe we could remake that
eighties Schwarzeneger movie ‘The Runing Man’ and put Lambeezy, Kinnear and
Ashley in the arena, so they could be hunted down. We wouldn’t need actors,
they could play themselves. It would be cheaper, which ironically Ashley would
appreciate whilehe was running for his
life. Maybe we could borrow that other good film title, ‘Run Fatboy Run.’
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